When I was a child, I would often unthinkingly drift off on the way home from school. In an era when telephones were not yet common at home, it caused my mom a great deal of palpitation. By the time I returned, she would be livid with rage, but also with concern.
I understand those feelings better now, and without being a mother myself. It’s the cycle of evolution that makes you unable to understand basic truths until the time is right.
At age 31, I feel like I am playing catch up with her, her worries, her feelings, her hopes… all the things she experienced. Which is why it drives me mad not knowing where she is.
In the larger scheme of things, she is somewhere out there, but she is irretrievably lost to me forever, like a child lost on her way home. She left
without telling me anything, without any last words, any advice, without forgiving me. And no force on earth can ever return her to me. I am livid, worried and utterly helpless.