Like a photograph whose edges get smudged over time, memories also get indistinct and blurred. They might get an unfamiliar tinge or end up sticking to each other or acquire a certain sequence in hindsight.
I try to visualise mom and I realise that I have already forgotten so much about her. She exists as an ache within me, she haunts me like a ghost always existing in the periphery just beyond the field of my vision, she is always just beyond reach. I fail to recognise her in my dreams, so I hold conversations with her that I never remember on waking up.
It frightens me to think someday I will forget everything about her, especially how she made me feel. Because as I sat trying to visualise my times with her, I realised with a pang that I felt something different. It took me a moment to realise it was a feeling of happiness and peace, a feeling that only exists knowing that your mother is around and everything is right with the world.
At that moment, the enormity of my loss sunk in…how I have left those warm emotions behind without even knowing it, how childhood ended forever there and then.